"Wine, confusion, orgies and so on": 7 signs that you are in Ancient Rome

George Zotov once again pleased his readers with a selection of funny facts. This time the man, in his usual cheerful manner, told about the peculiarities of life in ancient Rome.

The article will appeal not only to history lovers, but also to those who want to have fun from the bottom of their hearts!

Below are the words of the author.

1) You drink wine every day. Beer in ancient Rome is called "bitter northern swill", and sophisticated Romans are sure that this is purely for rude barbarians, and vodka has not yet been invented. The "Blood of the vine" is made according to Greek technologies: it is kept in clay jars — amphorae. Such wine cannot be stored for a long time — often the amphorae mold from the inside, and the drink turns sour. For this reason, in taverns it is served highly diluted — pure wine is used only for making sauces. The poor diluted alcohol with sea water in order to beat off the sour taste, and the rich patricians — with mountain honey. Full of shit, in short.

White Falernian wine was considered the coolest and most refined (mostly the ancient Romans preferred red). It could be stored for years, preserving the taste: that's why it cost four times more expensive than other varieties. Before serving, the wine was usually passed through a sieve in order to get rid of impurities. For storage in cellars, honey was added to the "nectar" again, and then the liquid turned into a kind of syrup, gaining a strength of 16-18 degrees. In general, something like a modern port. Legionnaires took dried grapes with them on a hike and made "passum" from it — a kind of wine with a rather weak amount of alcohol. The prototype of the fruit-profitable.

2) Getting out of bed in the morning, you go outside, and, yawning, the first thing you ask your neighbor is "Excuse me, but who is the emperor today?". In 211-284 AD, almost all the emperors who ascended the throne of Rome were killed – some by the palace guards (Praetorian guard), others in battles with pretenders to the throne, and others in battles with external enemies. Only Caesar Hostilian somehow managed to die of natural causes — during the plague epidemic.

Some sovereigns ruled for a year, some for only three months. The blacksmith Marius, proclaimed emperor by the troops in Gaul, remained in power for exactly THREE DAYS. Even before the crisis of the third century, in 193, the wealthy senator Didius Julian quietly bought the position of emperor from the assassins of the previous sovereign – promising to grant as much as 25,000 sesterces to each soldier from among the rebels. However, in the end he could not pay the entire amount, so three months later Didia, accused of late payments on the loan, calling him a "pid *** catfish and a scammer," was beheaded at public baths.

3) Every year you participate in the famous "Roman orgies". This is what we are missing now — some kind of free nationwide b**dks. Actually, the traditions of unrestrained b** d came to Rome from conquered Greece, where public orgies flourished unbridled during celebrations in honor of the god of wine Dionysus – the "Great Dionysians".

In Rome, the universal f ** I gained popularity as bacchanalia on March 16-17 (the god of wine Bacchus (Bacchus) is actually the same Dionysus) and saturnalia (in the name of the god Saturn) – the only day when slaves were equal in rights with their masters, sat with them at the common table, and the masters served them. At first, the bacchanal was a celebration of only women (I imagine what was going on), but then the ladies got bored, and men eager for love pulled up to them.

Orgies took place on such an amazing scale that, according to contemporaries, "Roman girls then could not understand from whom they got pregnant – four or five young men tr * * ali them in the evening." However, soon enough, the Senate began to ban orgies, imposing punishment: they became illegal, but they didn't stop altogether. The Romans gave each other candles before sex follies, and figures made of dough - by the way, saturnalia always took place in December. Many of the rites of that time then entered the Christian Yuletide. No orgies, unfortunately.

4) You walk through the square, and you hear loud screams at every corner, some literally in your ear: "Lucius has the best octopuses today!" and "Only tomorrow at the slave market there are slaves with a discount in honor of the emperor's birthday!". These are the heralds shouting "reklamare" — slogans to attract customers, familiar advertising.

Specialists who had a loud, strong voice capable of covering the hum of the street crowd were especially appreciated. Posters and drawings on the walls calling for buying a particular product were also available in the Roman Empire, but in much smaller numbers – they believed that it was cool to attract the consumer with loud and frequent praise of the product. The advertising of gladiatorial fights was organized on a large scale – a month before the battle, a whole squad of hired heralds walked around the Roman squares with a gloomy fuck, and the drawings on the walls promised a wonderful spectacle and discounts if you buy a ticket in advance.

5) Yes, you definitely attend gladiatorial fights as entertainment. And what else to do? There is no other entertainment (after all, television and cinemas have not yet been invented), except for public executions – but it's not so interesting there, and everything is quite predictable.

The word "gladiator" comes from the word gladius, a sword: bloody carnage for the amusement of the people was introduced back in the days of the Roman Republic in 105 BC. Since 63 AD, by order of Emperor Nero, women also received the right to participate in battles, and Caesar Domitian allowed the battles of... dwarf gladiators, which, of course, full p** dec.

The bloody show lasted for almost a hundred years after the adoption of Christianity by Rome. The games were finally banned in 404 by Emperor Honorius: after being torn apart by the crowd of the monk Telemachus, who naively entered the arena, and appealed to people for prudence.

In the midst of large-scale celebrations in honor of the military victories of the empire, hundreds of gladiators were killed in the Roman Colosseum alone. Arena fighters were trained in special schools very harshly (a third usually died during training), and also kept on a vegetable diet, without meat – they say, so they will be angrier. They were furious, these poor vegetarians involuntarily, b** d.

Gladiators included prisoners from wars, criminals, and just people who voluntarily sold themselves into slavery. By the way, the gesture with the thumb raised (pardon) and lowered (kill), with which the crowd allegedly decided the life of a wounded gladiator – hu * * a. In fact, the sign "death" is just a protruding (any) finger symbolizing the blade, and "life" is a clenched fist showing a sword in a scabbard.

6) You can easily settle on the ninth or tenth floor, with running water and even a storm sewer in the courtyard (it was called the "Big Sewer", and was a stone dungeon with large vaults). In ancient Rome, there were high-rise buildings that could now be assessed as skyscrapers, and "five-story buildings" in the style of Khrushchev were considered the norm at all. Aqueducts and water flowing into dwellings through clay pipes were also commonplace.

Paid street toilets (very clean) have existed since the time of Emperor Vespasian (ruled in 69-79). According to legend, Caesar's heir, Titus, was outraged by this innovation. In response, Vespasian brought a silver coin to his high–born fuck, and delicately asked - "Does it smell?". "No, Dad." "And by the way, it's made of urine. Don't interfere in bati's affairs, go play on the gadget, mu ** k." And so the expression appeared – "Money does not smell."

7) As a wallet, you carry a pouch with you – its size depends solely on your well-being. The main coin of the Roman Empire was the silver denarius. 25 denarii were one golden aureus, or 100 sesterces, 200 dupondii, and 400 small copper coins – asses. The amount of silver in denarii was constantly decreasing, because the silver mines were being depleted: it was such a kind of ancient Roman devaluation, weakening of the national currency – well, as with our ruble exchange rate.

At the end of the III century (under the Emperor Diocletian), the unfortunate denarius contained only 4 miserable percent of silver. It was unpopular to keep savings in dollars at that time – both because of the absence of dollars themselves in Rome, and because the Romans praised their currency as the most glorious in the world — and put x * * on enemy Parthian drachmas. The best ways to accumulate money were considered to be the purchase of gold bars "for a rainy day" — the benefit of gold was constantly getting more expensive. They haven't had their own Gref yet, that's where it got so lucky.

Read also other funny stories of Zotov:That's what Olivier the life-giving does!All the luxury of Georgian cuisine, or "Full mtsvadi to you, genatsvale!""Stirlitz is a mujahid, Sukhov is a libertine!": how Afghans watched Soviet cinema