Marriage Not for Love: Why It's Common to Steal Grooms in the Indian State of Bihar
Many nations have a tradition of stealing a bride. Nowadays, it is most often a symbolic ritual, the purpose of which is to preserve the ancient custom. However, in some places, girls are kidnapped seriously. Moreover, in the Indian state of Bihar, they sometimes even manage to steal the groom! Yes, you heard right: kidnapping grooms is almost commonplace here. And one such story even led to an unexpected ending - a massacre on the Ganges River. How did this happen? Let's look into this unusual phenomenon step by step.
Let's note right away: the kidnapping of grooms in Bihar, or the so-called Pakadwa Shaadi, has nothing to do with preserving traditions. Rather, it is an act of desperation when the bride's family is unable to collect a sufficient dowry for the marriage. In such a case, the groom has to be kidnapped and married without his consent. Of course, the bride's relatives do not want to make a fool of themselves and carefully select their victim. At risk are guys from wealthy families with a good education and a sought-after profession. At the same time, the candidate's appearance often does not play any role.
Young people who fit the above criteria should be especially vigilant. During the so-called "marriage season", when Hindu weddings are held, they prefer to go out only with friends or even hire security guards. But sometimes even this does not help. In an effort to get personal happiness for their daughter, parents commit incredibly daring kidnappings.
There are known cases when young people were grabbed and taken away right from the doorstep of their home, pulled out of public transport or even kidnapped from the steps of a court! The kidnapped groom is kept locked up and pressure is exerted on him, sometimes using not only intimidation but also physical force. The goal is one - to force the guy to marry a girl he has never seen before.
As is well known, the East is a delicate matter. And India stands out among other countries in this regard. Centuries-old traditions leave their mark on almost all spheres of human life. The ancient custom of bringing a rich dowry to the groom's house is practiced in many states of the country. But in Bihar in the middle of the 20th century it took on particularly extreme forms.
A dowry is a kind of payment for the consent of the groom and his family to accept the girl into the house. Without it, there can be no talk of a wedding, and for many, this becomes a real tragedy. Bihar is one of the poorest states in India. However, for the middle class, the usual dowry amount is 400 thousand rupees, while poor families have to collect about 100 thousand rupees.
The Indian rupee to ruble exchange rate is approximately equal to one, so it is easy to understand what a huge burden falls on the budget of the bride's family. In order to ensure their daughter's happiness, parents often sell all their property and take out loans. As a result, they end up broke, and sometimes even lose their roof over their heads. Now imagine a family with several daughters growing up. For poor Indians, such a situation often seems absolutely hopeless.
The pioneer in kidnapping grooms is considered to be a farmer who had 7 daughters. He could still find a dowry for one, but where to get a tidy sum for each? Then the loving father began to kidnap young men and force them to marry his daughters. This way he was able to help all his children. Looking at him, poor neighbors began to resort to the same method. And they also succeeded!
This is how a custom appeared in Bihar that the locals dubbed "akadwa shaadi", which translates as "marriage kidnapping". In 1961, the Indian authorities tried to rectify the situation and passed a law prohibiting dowry demands. However, this document remained on paper: the ancient tradition of paying the groom and the relatively new custom of kidnapping young people turned out to be surprisingly tenacious.
In India, a dowry is a kind of insurance for the bride. If the marriage breaks up, the wife takes her dowry with her. This procedure exists so that the woman does not lay claim to her husband's property. In theory, only the wife should manage the dowry. However, in practice, things are different: most often, the husband's family also gets access to it, and the women themselves rarely have a real opportunity to manage it.
In Bihar, getting married without a dowry is theoretically possible, but extremely difficult. And the marriage itself in such cases rarely brings happiness. The husband may sincerely love his poor wife, but his relatives often begin to treat her as a second-class citizen. She is constantly humiliated, reproached at every step and pressured in every possible way.
Women in such a situation most often become victims of domestic violence, and sometimes even murder. In 1998-1999 alone, 12.5 thousand cases of murder of women were recorded in the state of Bihar and neighboring Uttar Pradesh. Usually, the reprisals are carried out by burning alive. This situation caused widespread discontent in society. As a result, the Indian authorities were forced to adopt a special law to protect women's rights.
According to the law, the death of a wife during the first seven years of marriage is automatically considered suspicious and investigated as a murder. The husband and his relatives are immediately under suspicion. If it turns out that the woman was subjected to domestic violence, everyone involved faces long prison terms.
Unmarried men in Bihar must always be on guard. But the chances of falling into the hands of kidnappers increase significantly during wedding seasons. In India, this is May-June and December-January. Guys with in-demand and well-paid professions need to be especially careful. Engineers, teachers and doctors are at particular risk.
Kidnapping a groom is not a spontaneous act, but a carefully planned operation. The bride's relatives prepare in advance: they collect information about the man, watch him, study his habits and movements. To carry out the plan, they hire a group of 5-6 people who professionally carry out such "actions". It is not difficult to find such a gang. Some "specialists" even publish veiled ads in newspapers, in the "Paid Services" section.
It is worth noting that kidnapping a groom is not a cheap pleasure, because it is a criminal offense, not a harmless prank. However, for the girl's parents it is still more profitable than paying a dowry. There is no exact data on the number of kidnappings in the state of Bihar, since not all cases become public knowledge. According to official statistics, 1,337 grooms were kidnapped in 2009, and by 2013 this figure had grown to 2,529. However, the actual figures are most likely significantly higher than the official ones.
A prospective groom cannot feel safe anywhere, not even at home. Often, criminals decide to kidnap people right from their family circle. The story of Dharmendra Kumar is a vivid example. He was kidnapped at the age of 16 during a school graduation celebration, when he was surrounded by his family. He says that he drank a glass of wine, after which his vision suddenly went dark. He came to in a car: he was literally carried out of the party in people's arms. It later turned out that several people from his inner circle were in cahoots with the kidnappers.
Kumar came to in a room where there was an unknown girl. The doors were locked, but they were regularly brought food. A few days later, the wedding took place. The guy did not dissolve the marriage, concluded without his consent. In general, he is happy with his fate - he got a beautiful and kind wife, with whom they live in complete harmony. However, such cases are rather an exception.
More often than not, kidnapped grooms are kept in damp basements, beaten, starved, and sometimes even chained by the leg to a ring in the wall. The main goal of the kidnappers is to break the will of the young man so that he not only meekly agrees to the marriage, but also does not think of going to the police after the wedding. Even if the guy agrees to the marriage, he still remains under the control of the bride's relatives.
During the wedding ceremony, the bride's relatives often stand next to the groom, discreetly showing him a knife hidden in their sleeve or pricking him with a bamboo stick. Guests may also be armed - in case the groom tries to escape or if his family and friends try to fight him off.
Now we come to the wildest episode of Pakadwa Shaadi. In 2023, one such kidnapping went out of control and ended in a real drama. A young engineer from Delhi, who had come to Bihar for work, was kidnapped right from his hotel. The bride's family wanted to get a "lucrative" groom, but the guy was not one to be timid. He managed to escape from the ceremony, after which he convinced a friend to take him on a boat across the Ganges River to reach safety.
The chase was not long in coming. The bride's relatives, armed with knives and sticks, set off after the fugitive in another boat. In the middle of the river, a real massacre began: screams, blows, blood. The result - two dead, several wounded and a runaway groom who was never caught. This story thundered throughout India, adding even more gloomy colors to an already strange tradition.
But why don't all men who have been subjected to such moral and physical violence flee immediately after the wedding? The answer is simple - the fugitive can be found and killed, even if he runs away to the other end of the country. In Indian culture, an abandoned bride is considered disgraced and loses the chance to marry again. Therefore, grooms take a big risk when deciding to run away. The police are not always able to protect the unfortunate. It also happens that law enforcement officers also help to search for the fugitive - corruption and nepotism in India decide a lot.
The Bihar authorities are trying to restore order, but their efforts are in vain. Sometimes funny incidents occur that make people laugh - though not from the wives of the kidnappers. Sometimes, in a hurry, the criminals make a mistake and grab the wrong guy. In such situations, they rarely replay anything, and the accidentally kidnapped man becomes the groom.
The custom of "akadwa shaadi" has existed for a relatively short time, since about the late 1970s. And during this time, there has not been a single case of divorce. Grooms are afraid of death, and if their relatives file police reports, they gather dust on the tables for years. In the state of Bihar, law enforcement officers are more concerned with their own enrichment than with maintaining order. There, the rich are in charge, who can provide security for their sons. If anything happens, the police will defend their interests. The problems of ordinary people are of no interest to anyone.
Somewhere in the world, dates are arranged through apps, and somewhere, through kidnapping. Every nation has its own romantic traditions. Would you risk becoming a desirable groom in the state of Bihar?