Hurry up to love: why new relationships need to be started immediately after the breakup of old ones
Separation can cause a person serious mental pain, even if it happened on his initiative. In such cases, many advise starting a new relationship. They say that it works especially well if the new love is similar to the former. Let's figure out why this method has been effective at all times for both men and women.
People who found a mate immediately after parting were always looked at askance. But is it important if the method really works and makes it possible to survive the break as painlessly as possible and continue to live a full, full life?
A psychologist from the City University of New York, Claudia Brumbo, who has devoted many years to the study of attachments in adults, believes that people who immediately started a new relationship after a breakup feel more successful in their personal lives. Brambo conducted research on the psychological state of people who have recently experienced a breakup with a partner.
Brambo found out that many people are of the opinion that after the breakup of a relationship, you need to wait for some time, and not immediately start new ones. People are ready to take a break for an average of 5 months and believe that everything that starts earlier cannot be serious and long-term. But facts are stubborn things and they tell a completely different story.
In one of the studies on this topic, surveys were conducted among people who had recently experienced a personal drama, and statistics of their responses were collected. It turned out that the study participants who found a new partner immediately after the breakup felt much less anxious, and their self-esteem remained on top.
It may seem strange that men and women who did not have reliable ground under their feet in the past felt confident and protected from surprises in the new union. But this is easily explained by the growth of self-esteem associated with the rapid normalization of personal life.
Those who are sure that they need to wait, and only then look for a new partner, explain their point of view by the fact that a person needs time to heal emotional wounds, as well as draw conclusions from the acquired negative experience. It is very difficult to argue with the fact that this has its own logic.
This type of research is very difficult to conduct because of the high error in the initial data. Agree, telling an outsider about self-confidence and actually feeling it are two different things. Scientists have found out that after difficult life situations, in most cases, no internal changes occur in a person.
We can tell ourselves as much as we like that the new experience was useful and taught us a lot, but it will not be so. The phenomenon of perception distortion, known as "positive illusions", is to blame for everything.
This is how the famous psychologist and writer Tai Tashiro explains this phenomenon. He conducted research at the University of Maryland (USA) and found out that how quickly a person finds a partner after a relationship has nothing to do with his personal growth.
Therefore, you can expect anything from a new novel, but you need to face the truth — past relationships will not make you more experienced, and new ones will not add any personal qualities. Simply put— you will still remain yourself.
But the one you blame for the breakup of the relationship, it turns out, affects personal growth. Is the partner to blame? You yourself? Current circumstances? From the point of view of psychology, this is important. Blaming circumstances, such as workload at work, later declare personal growth. But those who blame themselves exclusively are falling into decline.
Each of us has his own, special style of attachment to close people. How important emotional support is for us is determined by a sense of security, anxiety, or avoidance of a relationship that, in our opinion, is too close.
People who have a strong attachment to a partner were usually brought up in families where parental education was consistent. They trust others and in difficult moments seek emotional support from family members and close friends.
Studies of relationships in which people are unsure, but have experienced strong attachment, show a more complex picture. After parting with their partner, they find new ones faster than those who had a more measured relationship. In this case, the anxiety associated with the past situation and the inability to let go of the situation drives.
Often the desire to take revenge on the ex or ex is also connected. These people experience very serious stress after a breakup and are ready to go to the most extreme measures to get their former partner back. People who avoid attachment in such cases rely more on themselves and may not remember their exes at all.
Such conclusions were made by Claudia Brambo, based on many years of research. She is absolutely sure that our behavior in relationships and after them is influenced by upbringing and what kind of atmosphere there was in the family. But here you need to take into account that over time, any person changes and the fact that he was brought up in a not too warm atmosphere will not necessarily leave an imprint on his personal life in the future.
The attitude towards attachment can change and an understanding partner usually plays a big role in this. However, it is not necessary to fully assign responsibility to the second half, because scientists still tend to believe that inheritance plays a key role here.
Moving from relationship to relationship, people usually carry with them a style of attachment. This is much more noticeable if the new partner resembles the previous one. At the same time, ideas about the old partner also migrate to the new union, whether we want it or not.
This is how Brumbaugh explains this interesting phenomenon, from the point of view of psychology. She believes that people who live together for a certain time look very much at the world around them and their views overlap. They present themselves as parts of each other and share not only friends, but also many habits.
After the breakup, they may feel very vulnerable, as they lose part of their individuality, the person with whom they shared their joys and sorrows, and also shared many interests. Of course, having found a new partner who fills the voids that have formed, they feel much better.
The fact that people are looking for similarities with the old in a new partner has both positive and negative sides. Brambo gives a very simple and clear example:
Summing up, it is worth saying that a quick entry into a new relationship cannot be considered an ideal remedy for emotional wounds after a failed union. But, whatever your family and friends tell you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them for you. There are even more obvious advantages in this approach, from the point of view of psychology.
Psychology is an interesting science, the research of which reveals to us the amazing secrets of our inner world, often not always pleasant, but, without any doubt, important.
Keywords: Research | Relationships | Couples | Psychology | Separation | Family | University