Cómo reaccionar si te enfrentas a la opinión agresiva de otra persona

A different perception of current events can quarrel not only with unfamiliar people but also with friends, as well as families. Marina Volkova, clinical psychologist, and psychotherapist of the Yasno service explain how to react if a person crosses the border in the heat of a dispute.
In a state of conflict that is surrounded on all sides by strong emotions, we are overcome by the temptation to polarize: to divide people into friends and foes, to delimit reality into black and white. To resist this desire is our task and inner work that will not be done by itself.

Someone else's opinion can concern us in at least two aspects. The first is hate and sharp criticism. Many people are now overwhelmed with affect - very intense experiences, including aggression and rage, which overwhelm them and which they do not cope well with.

It is very difficult for a stressed person to perceive reality objectively or even neutrally. He expects and fantasizes that others will share his picture of the world. When this does not happen, he "leaks" his effect on them, thereby turning on the psychological defense and avoiding reality.

3 PHOTOS

1. It is hard to accept sharp criticism of our position or even to listen to insults. However, in no case should you take them personally - in fact, the hater does not personally address you and does not necessarily want to hurt, but tries to alleviate his own emotional state. If you can, refrain from responding to such people because any response will serve as a catalyst for unwinding aggression.

You cannot help everyone who comes to you, and you cannot cope with the avalanche and the flow of someone else's pain. But you can protect your space and yourself from the overload that another person's behavior creates. If criticism comes from a loved one, tell him that his words (not an opinion or position, he has the right to them, namely the words that attack you) hurt you, and cause anger, fatigue, and impotence. Ask to close the conflict topic or limit communication for a while, give yourself and the interlocutor time to calm down and recover. Say that you can definitely return to the conversation later when both of you are ready for it.

If you are concerned about the opinions of strangers, try to avoid places where it is actively expressed outside: for example, posts or comments on social networks.

Conflict is a sharp way to resolve the contradictions that have arisen. Until we enter it, we are surrounded by people who share polar opinions, and we do not have to quarrel with them. This is the second important aspect. First of all, remember that you do not have to contain, or "absorb" someone else's anxiety - if you do not have enough resources to process it, this will only make you feel worse. If you feel that you are overwhelmed by other people's experiences, step back for a while, and take a step back.

A close person whose opinion differs from yours remains your close person. Once you have chosen him, you love him for something, accept him, respect him, and this should not be destroyed under the influence of emotions. It is important to direct your attention not to what separates you, but to what connects you. Concentrate on your history: on all the good things that were between you before, are now, and maybe in the future.

Put your relationship first and if you have a resource to express sympathy, do it: let your loved one know that, no matter what, you accept him, accept along with the fact that he is different and does not agree with you. You stay close to him - and you are open to him. At this moment, people meet, and no matter how far disagreements take them, they can see how they are different, but at the same time equally bad, they can stay close and give each other support.

2. How can we keep hearing each other? It is important to separate the person himself and his position: a person is not equal to his point of view. Both we ourselves and our interlocutor can be mistaken - we are living people and have the right to make a mistake. Both of us, most likely, do not know exactly where the truth is, although we sincerely believe in something, there is a connection between us that is more important than finding it.

Can you try to convince another person? In theory, yes, but it's unlikely to work now. Rather, action will generate a reaction, positions will become even more polarized, and relationships can be damaged. First of all, it is important to work on accepting your loved ones for who they are. Admit to yourself that perhaps he does not have enough strength to process information, and evaluate other opinions - and this does not make him a bad person. Behind the plot of our judgments and experiences, there are certain values, most often it only seems that the conflicting parties have different values. If we look deeper into these values, we will understand that in essence, we want the same thing - we just see the ways in which we can get what we want in different ways.

Along the way, we may face our own pain: after all, we also want to be seen and accepted, recognizing our right to our position. Tell your loved one that you, too, would love to be seen along with your truth and your pain. That it’s hard for you because of the way your communication is developing, and that you don’t want to move away because of this discussion. At the same time, remember that the responsibility for the outcome lies with both of you, is distributed equally, and much will depend not on you, but on how much a person is able to recognize your right to be different and not meet his expectations.

To summarize: if you or another person is overwhelmed with emotions, constructive communication is temporarily out of the question. It is extremely important to draw conclusions, decide on actions and make decisions from a state of rest when you can soberly assess their consequences. Stop yourself in situations where you want to say something offensive to a loved one or break off relations: what is happening to us now will pass, sooner or later will end, and social ties that are important to us, close, dear, and beloved people, can because of a fleeting, albeit very bright and exciting emotion, disappear forever. Take care of yourself and each other.

3. Marina Volkova is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist at the Yasno service. Graduate of the Institute of Psychotherapy and Clinical Psychology, the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education, and the International Institute for Developmental Transactional Analysis. He specializes in transactional analysis and understanding psychotherapy.