Josef Stalin jokes

According to the memoirs of contemporaries, Joseph Stalin was a very witty man. Typical situations were described in his memoirs by one of Stalin's guards, A. Rybin.

1. On Stalin's trips, the security guard Tukov often accompanied him. He sat in the front seat next to the driver and used to fall asleep on the way. One of the members of the Politburo, who was riding with Stalin in the back seat, asked: “Comrade Stalin, I don’t understand which of you is guarding whom?” - What is it, - answered Iosif Vissarionovich, - he also put his pistol in my raincoat - take it, they say, just in case!

2. Once Stalin was informed that Marshal Rokossovsky had a mistress - the famous beauty actress Valentina Serova. What are we going to do with them now? Stalin took the pipe out of his mouth, thought for a moment and said: “What will we, what will we ... we will envy!”

3. Stalin went with the first secretary of the Central Committee of Georgia A.I. Mgeladze along the alleys of the Kuntsevo dacha and treated him to lemons, which he himself had grown in his lemon garden: - Try it, here, near Moscow, they grew up! And so several times, between conversations on other topics: - Try it, good lemons!

Finally, it dawned on the interlocutor: - Comrade Stalin, I promise you that in seven years Georgia will provide the country with lemons, and we will not import them from abroad. - Thank God, I figured it out! Stalin said.

4. At the negotiations there were disputes about the post-war borders, and Churchill said: - But Lvov was never a Russian city! “But there was Warsaw,” Stalin objected.

5. During the war, the troops under the command of Baghramyan were the first to reach the Baltic. The general personally poured water from the Baltic Sea into a bottle and ordered his adjutant to fly with it to Moscow to see Stalin. But while he was flying, the Germans counterattacked and threw Baghramyan away from the Baltic coast. By the time the adjutant arrived in Moscow, they were already aware of this, but the adjutant himself did not know: there was no radio on the plane. And so the proud adjutant entered Stalin's office and proudly announced: "Comrade Stalin, General Bagramyan is sending you Baltic water!" Stalin took the bottle, turned it over in his hands for a few seconds, then gave it back to the adjutant and replied: pour out where he took.

6. Various people who happened to watch films with Stalin told me many episodes on this topic. Here is one of them. In 1939, they watched The Train Goes East. The film is not so hot: a train is coming, it is stopping… — What station is this? Stalin asked. - Demyanovka. “This is where I will get off,” Stalin said and left the hall.

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8. When developing the Pobeda car, it was planned that the car would be called Rodina. Upon learning of this, Stalin ironically asked: “Well, how much will our Motherland be?” The name of the car was immediately changed.

9. The director of one of the mines, Zasyadko, was proposed for the post of Minister of the Coal Industry. Someone objected: “Everything is fine, but he abuses alcohol!” Stalin ordered to invite Zasiadko to his place. Stalin began to talk with him and offered him a drink. - With pleasure, - said Zasyadko, poured a glass of vodka: - To your health, Comrade Stalin! drank and continued talking. Stalin took a sip and, carefully observing, offered the second one. Zasyadko drank the second glass - and not in one eye. Stalin offered a third, but Zasyadko pushed his glass aside and said: "Zasyadko knows when to stop."

At a meeting of the Politburo, when the question of the candidacy of a minister arose again and it was again announced that the proposed candidate was abusing alcohol, Stalin, walking around with his pipe, said: - Zasyadko knows the measure!

For many years Zasyadko headed our coal industry.

10. Once a colonel-general turned to Stalin with a personal request. Yes, I have a personal question. In Germany, I took away some things that interested me, but they were detained at the checkpoint. If possible, I would ask them to be returned to me,” he said. - It's possible. Write a report, I will impose a resolution,” Stalin replied.

The colonel-general pulled out a prepared report from his pocket. Stalin imposed a resolution. The petitioner began to express his gratitude. “No thanks,” Stalin remarked.

After reading the resolution written on the report: “Return his junk to the colonel. J. Stalin,” the general turned to the Supreme: “There is a mistake here, Comrade Stalin. I'm not a colonel, but a colonel general. “No, everything is correct here, Comrade Colonel,” Stalin answered.

11. Admiral I. Isakov since 1938 was the Deputy People's Commissar of the Navy. In 1946, Stalin called him and said that there was an opinion to appoint him chief of the Main Naval Staff, which was renamed the Main Headquarters of the Navy that year. Isakov answered: - Comrade Stalin, I must report to you that I have a serious shortcoming: one leg has been amputated. - Is this the only shortcoming that you consider necessary to report? the question followed. "Yes," the Admiral confirmed. “We used to have a headless chief of staff. Nothing worked. You just don’t have a leg - it’s not scary, ”Stalin concluded.

12. In the first post-war year, Minister of Finance A. Zverev, concerned about the high fees of a number of major writers, prepared an appropriate memorandum and submitted it to Stalin. - So, it turns out that we have millionaire writers? Sounds terrible, comrade Zverev? Millionaire Writers! Stalin asked Zverev, calling him to him. “Terrible, Comrade Stalin, terrible,” the minister confirmed.

Stalin handed the financier a folder with a note he had prepared: “It's terrible, Comrade Zverev, that we have so few millionaire writers! Writers are the memory of the nation. And what will they write if they live from hand to mouth?

13. In the autumn of 1936, a rumor spread in the West that Joseph Stalin had died of a serious illness. Charles Nitter, a correspondent for the Associated Press news agency, went to the Kremlin, where he delivered a letter to Stalin asking him to confirm or deny this rumor. Stalin answered the journalist immediately: “Dear sir! As far as I know from the reports of the foreign press, I left this sinful world long ago and moved to the other world. Since it is impossible not to trust the reports of the foreign press, if you do not want to be crossed out from the list of civilized people, then I ask you to believe these reports and not disturb my peace in the silence of the other world. October 26, 1936. Sincerely, I. Stalin.

14. Somehow, foreign correspondents asked Stalin: - Why is Mount Ararat depicted on the coat of arms of Armenia, because it is not located on the territory of Armenia? Stalin replied: “The crescent moon is depicted on the emblem of Turkey, but it is also not located on the territory of Turkey.

15. The People's Commissar for Agriculture of Ukraine was summoned to the Politburo. He asked: “How should I report: briefly or in detail?” “As you like, you can be brief, you can be detailed, but the time limit is three minutes,” Stalin replied.

16. A new production of Glinka's opera Ivan Susanin was being prepared at the Bolshoi Theater. The members of the commission, headed by chairman Bolshakov, listened and decided that it was necessary to remove the finale “Glory to the Russian people!”: Churchness, patriarchalism ... Reported to Stalin. “But we will act differently: we will leave the finale, and we will remove Bolshakov,” he replied.

17. When deciding what to do with the German navy, Stalin proposed to divide, and Churchill made a counter proposal: "Sink". Stalin replied: "Here you are drowning your half."

18. Stalin came to the performance at the Art Theater. Stanislavsky met him and, holding out his hand, introduced himself: "Alekseev", giving his real name. “Dzhugashvili,” Stalin replied, shaking hands, and went to his chair.

19. US Ambassador William Averell Harriman asked Stalin at the Potsdam Conference: “After the Germans were 18 km from Moscow in 1941, you must now be pleased to share the defeated Berlin?” “Tsar Alexander reached Paris,” Stalin replied.