"Sex is overrated, hangover is flour": 10 signs of an old man

Is age just a number in your passport? Yes, because sometimes you can become a real old man in your thirties, and some of them are born right away. A certain Danila Blues wrote a dozen signs by which it can be determined that youth has passed. They are, of course, very subjective, but it is difficult to argue with some.

Source: This is Media

The years are rushing forward like a steam locomotive. Yesterday I was a young and angry punk who was ready to die in a drunken slam. But before I could blink an eye, you couldn't drag me to a punk gig by force.

I've become short of breath and grumpy, and instead of mass riots, I'd rather sit at home in a bathrobe and slippers, with a glass of whiskey and an old movie I've seen a thousand times. Is it good or bad? I don't know, I also rejected arguments in my old age, because, as another old man sang, BG: "I don't know anyone who is wrong."

1. No booze is better than cheap.

Previously, my main pride was that I could drink any alcohol: wine from bags, port wines and fortified wines in dusty bottles with an unopened plastic stopper, cocktails from plastic poltorashek, penny beer in bottles huge as industrial fire extinguishers, bath washing liquid, vodka, which is produced by a taciturn old woman on the fifth floor, and much more, up to perfumes.

Now I'd rather not drink anything than ruin myself with cheap swill. And it's not so much the hangover (more on it below), but the intoxication itself. Over the years, low-budget booze is carried by the liver worse and turns you into a pathetic semblance of a man instead of a brave hussar, into a staggering obrygan and a monster. No, it's better to sit at home, read a book or do crossword puzzles.

2. With age, a hangover turns into flour.

When I was young, I could drink anything and in any quantities until the morning, after which, after sleeping for twenty minutes, I went to unload the truck. Now you need to allocate a whole day for a hangover, during which you will sleep, oohe, ahh, drink pills and chicken broth and curse yesterday.

Admit it, your body is not the same as before, so it's better to save it, since it didn't work out to die young.

3. You begin to love olives.

I don't know why, but as a child, I and all my friends just hated olives and olives with fierce hatred, it seemed that there was nothing worse in the world, and only stupid adult bourgeois, the same round, in the same olive blue–black tuxedos, were eating them.

Now I am indifferent to olives, but the rest of my childhood friends have broken loose and are ready to eat them in tones. They fill their mouths with them and laugh with happiness.

I think the love of olives is some form of senile dementia, inaccessible to young people due to age.

4. You have a separate daddy for paid receipts.

So did your parents, so did your grandfather and grandmother before them, and even earlier - great-grandfather and great-grandmother.

It's a pathetic sight, really. You dreamed of becoming Ozzy Osbourne, Lemmy Kilmister, and you're sitting there, shifting the quits, as if someone really will come to you with an inspection or inspection.

5. In addition, you know where the passport, INN, SNILS, insurance policy and documents for the apartment are in the apartment.

Did Lemmy keep such nonsense in his head? Of course not! Why does he need a passport and insurance if everyone already knows him, and he has enough money to pay not only for the most expensive operation, but also to buy the whole hospital building with all the guts to open a nightclub or a slot machine salon there.

6. Over the years, you stop dreaming at all.

I don't know if it's from a sudden rush of wisdom or from a banal disappointment in life. One way or another, an easel, a guitar, a synopsis of a brilliant novel, a judo kimono and other attributes of unfulfilled dreams are covered with dust in the closet.

Well, not everyone can be great, not everyone can be rock stars, surrealist artists and brilliant writers. You're a brilliant sales manager, you even got a bonus last month.

Could this vaunted Lemmy of yours get a bonus in your office? The hell he would have got it!

7. You realize that sex is overrated.

Yes, once you were ready to fuck this whole world, which consisted entirely of tits, buttocks, legs, lips, tongues, and they all promised you unearthly pleasures, for which you were ready to run to the ends of the world. Now you prefer a chocolate cake or a bottle of good whiskey to three hours of sweating over the next ass of some twirly.

There are a whole lot of women in the world, and sex with them, as a rule, is not much different from masturbation, but you still need to look for a good whiskey. Someday impotence will finally cover your loins with its blissful shroud, and you will become finally humble and enlightened.

8. You are not afraid of the police.

And you even call it yourself when teenagers with their Chinese waterproof speakers under the window do not let you sleep.

You used to be young, which means you are dangerous to society: you were either drunk, or you broke something, or you beat someone up, or you ran away from home, and the policeman was your number one enemy.

Now there's nothing to blame you for, you don't even repost, and now, seeing people in uniform nearby, you feel calm, not fear.

9. You start listening to your body.

Previously, when something pricked in the side or pulled in the back, you waved your hand and lived on. Heartburn, headaches, toothaches, colic, runny nose, sore throat — all this was either washed down with a good pack of analgin, or passed by itself, it was only necessary to be patient.

Right now, after any gurgling in an unfamiliar place, you run to your laptop to Google the symptoms of a future speedorak, from which you are doomed to die. At your house, a box with a scattering of various pills, which you call a "first aid kit", starts up like this.

You are no longer afraid of half-dead old women in hospital queues and evil aunts at the reception. Closer to old age, you master the ancient skill of thanking doctors, that is, giving them the right cognac and sweets for a successful operation.

10. You choose comfortable clothes instead of fashionable ones.

I recently discovered sweatpants. All my life I ignored sports and, accordingly, wore only jeans and heavy boots. Three stripes are the lot of gopnik, I naively thought. But damn it, how nice it is sometimes to admit that you are wrong!

Sweatpants are the best invention of mankind! Nothing restrains movements, does not press in the groin, I'm like a naked Adam walking around Magnitogorsk, as if in a garden of eden. I don't care that I look like a gopnik, face control doesn't let me into fashionable establishments, and chicks shy away like from a leper. The main thing is that I'm damn comfortable.

We have only one life and it's stupid to deprive yourself of comfort in pursuit of fashion and someone's approval.

Well, how many signs have you counted?