How to get rid of loneliness: 4 steps towards lovePictolic
What steps to take to meet your love? Psychologist advises
No matter how hard it is after a divorce or separation, there comes a time when a woman decides: "It's time to move towards love." What steps to take, psychologist Alena Kanyuka told
Step 1. Reprogram ourselves
The loneliness of a woman is primarily a consequence of negative attitudes, and patterns instilled in childhood.
“For example, mother or grandmother often said:“ All men are goats! From the only problems and no help. Or the girl was a witness to a destructive relationship between her parents, in the end, she does not know how to behave competently with the opposite sex, ”
Alena Kanyuka says.
Plays a role and what the girl heard in her address.
“At the age of 16, I somehow accidentally overheard a conversation between my grandmother and a neighbor. She asked if I was already dating someone. To which my grandmother replied: “No. Who needs her like that? My tall stature did not fit into her understanding of beauty, and she sincerely believed that I had no chance for a happy personal life, ”recalls Svetlana K. boys. She just didn't believe that anyone could like her.
“In childhood, we get a deep “firmware” of the psyche for life and it is best to unwind this tangle of passions with a specialist: a psychotherapist or psychologist. But there is a method that will help you find negative programs on your own, ”
- says Alena Kanyuka.
Retire, take a piece of paper and write down in a column everything that you think about men or relationships. Write "on the machine", without thinking for a long time, the first thing that comes to mind. The most interesting, most likely, will not “shoot” from the first line. Then rewrite the negative attitudes in a positive way. For example, “men create problems for me” to “men help me solve my problems”, etc.
“And our subconscious is especially good at understanding the commands that are recorded. Therefore, feel free to cross out all the bad settings and write under them in capital letters: “I cancel!”
- Alena Kanyuka advises.
Step 2. Honestly answer yourself the question: “Why do I need it?”
In the life of 40-year-old Victoria, everything turns out, at first glance, successfully: a high-status job, business trips abroad, her own apartment, and a 5-year-old son who is helped by her mother to raise. In this picture of happiness, only one “puzzle” is missing - a man.
Before the birth of her son, she met for many years with a married "daddy". And now - for 5 years now - no serious relationship. Someone always appears on the horizon, but every time it's not the same. Moreover, Victoria found an interesting way to meet men. Due to the fact that she has little time, profiles on dating sites are maintained by her mother. She filters the candidates herself, conducts the first “interview”, and arranges a date, but Victoria is already going to him.
In conversations with her friends, a woman often complains: “Others get to know each other by going out into the street to take out the garbage. Fate. And I keep going on these dates, and I just can’t meet anyone sensible. ” At the same time, he does not forget to add: “The husband is, of course, wonderful. But these socks, scattered around the apartment, this is an endless standing at the kitchen open-hearth.
Alena Kanyuka believes that this story is a vivid example of infantile behavior, which often happens in spoiled children.
“A woman can take place in the profession, but in relations with the opposite sex, take the position of a child. In this case, this is manifested in the fact that the candidates for Victoria's dates are chosen by her mother. The fact that she expects a miracle, without making any effort to accomplish it, ”
- the psychologist comments.
And from all this, the question arises: does she really need a man? This practice will help to answer it: many times ask yourself the question “Why?”. For example:
- I need a man.
- To love me
- To make me feel valuable.
And so, unraveling the tangle, you will get to your true need. For example, in this dialogue with herself, it can be seen that a woman does not value herself. And here it is necessary to work with her sense of self-worth.
Step 3. Raise self-esteem
The main signs of a woman's low self-esteem, according to Alena Kanyuka, are as follows:
The imposition of one's "love", care, necessity, "sacrificial" flickering in a man's life in the hope that he will notice, appreciate and bestow (love, attention, material benefits) on merit.
“Alas, the reality is more prosaic,” says the psychologist. - Most often, in such contact, a man takes what he is given, does not particularly worry about how much effort it cost a woman, and sets off to other shores. As a result, disappointment in a man, confirmation of his worthlessness, and hello loneliness! Or another extreme, when a woman is no longer looking for anyone, resigns herself to her unworthiness and puts an end to her personal life.
2. Being overly concerned with what other people think of you. Behind this is the fear of condemnation, devaluation, etc. Installation: "I'm bad, there's nothing to love me for."
3. The habit of postponing things related to one's own growth and development. Procrastination and perfectionism are defensive reactions of the psyche to prevent a new painful experience from entering your life. It is better to create the illusion of action than to really get new experiences, and learn from your mistakes.
4. Physical manifestations: increased anxiety, increased heart rate, increased sweating, problems with the gastrointestinal tract, wet palms, fussiness, etc.
5. Inability to say "no" in relationships, at work, etc. People with low self-esteem literally take on an unbearable burden in the hope that they will be noticed, appreciated, and loved for this.
To increase a woman's self-esteem you need:
1. Work with a specialist on your negative attitudes from childhood. A psychologist or a psychotherapist is needed for high-quality, careful identification of negative programs and the development of new healthy ways of interacting with oneself and the world. Having read and listened to various psychological information without proper guidance, there is a risk of completely getting confused in your state and going into defensive reactions. Working on yourself is a long way, not always pleasant, but necessary for high-quality growth.
2. Learn to redefine and defend your personal boundaries. Consciously get out of the scenario form: "victim-aggressor-rescuer". Learn to put yourself and your interests first.
3. Accept, and love yourself for the very fact of being born on this earth. You are so alone, already loved and unique, and there will never be such a Woman again! You need to cast aside false shame, and doubts and become your best loving friend! Let every morning begin with an ode to your beloved, with admiration for your body, in detail, centimeter by centimeter, study it, and enjoy your touches. Fixation of the "imperfection" of the body is from the mind. Compliance with some established, changeable canons does not concern you. Learn to be free in your body and fill yourself with light and joy. Fix this feeling of freedom and jubilation from your beloved!
Ask yourself the question, why do wings grow behind your back? What activity do you like so much that you want to do it 24/7?
Surround yourself with resourceful people, situations, and acts - and life will sparkle with bright colors.
A woman with healthy self-esteem glows from within. She doesn't get bored of being alone. Moreover, she needs to be alone from time to time in order to learn, study herself and be resourceful.
Step 4. Specify the "request"
Having dealt with our programs regarding relations with men, desires, and having filled ourselves with a resource, we begin to “fun” - send information to the Universe about what kind of man you want to see next to you. “In psychology, this is called updating the request,” says Alena Kanyuka.
We remember that the subconscious mind does not perceive the NOT particle, so we write “slender” instead of “not fat”, “rich” instead of “non-poor”, etc.
“You need to choose someone with whom it’s good, warm, calm, first of all at the level of the body,” advises Alena Kanyuka. - Butterflies in the stomach, goosebumps, and another zoo - this is about a gross invasion of your energy field! Often women take such feelings for the same "love" at first sight, but this is a big mistake. When a woman from childhood is used to living in a stressful regime, then in adulthood she subconsciously looks for a man who will provide her with this sensual cocktail and often runs into representatives with mental disabilities: narcissists, macho tyrants. A good man is peaceful, reliable, and real action for the benefit of the family!