What is delayed life syndrome and how to deal with it

Recently, more and more people believe that they do not live a real life, but only prepare for it, create suitable conditions. They perceive their real life as a kind of preparatory process, even a draft of their future. It is implied that the "new life" will begin later, after a certain landmark event. It can be getting a diploma, losing weight, divorce, changing jobs, paying off a loan, and anything else. This phenomenon has a name — delayed life syndrome.

The term "delayed life syndrome" was introduced in the late 90s by a Russian scientist, Doctor of Psychological Sciences Vladimir Serkin. For many years he studied the psychology of Northerners — people living in harsh regions of Russia for the sake of earning money. The lives of these people are "on suitcases", waiting to move to the central, western and southern regions of the country.

They are sure that real life is ahead and it will begin, it is only necessary to move to regions with a milder climate and developed infrastructure. Serkin called this approach the "northern scenario". It is typical not only for Russians. In the same way, residents of many corners of the planet live in anticipation of "real" life.

In the 19th century, the famous British writer and thinker Rudyard Kipling wrote about the "colonial scenario". He noted that a similar attitude to life is observed in many Englishmen living in India. They have been looking forward to their move to Britain for years and the beginning of an established and comfortable life. At that time, the ultimate dream of most colonists was their own house in the provinces of England or Scotland, horseback riding, playing with a dog on the lawn and other elements of the village idyll.

Today, psychologists note very similar moods among the youth of Alaska. Research conducted among Anchorage university students suggests that the "northern scenario" holds their minds. Therefore, scientists have made an important conclusion: the formation of deferred life scenarios does not depend much on the socio-economic situation.

It is already known for sure that the syndrome is equally common among both men and women. Among the most popular of his scenarios can be called "mortgage". It is expressed in the fact that people postpone important purchases, trips and fateful decisions until the loan is repaid. Since at best it is 10-20 years, it is not difficult to notice that a significant part of a productive life passes by.

"Parental scenario" is the second most common type of syndrome. Life is postponed until the time when the child goes to kindergarten, school, graduates from university and so on. Another kind, the so-called "director's disease". This is when marriage, vacation, buying a house and so on are postponed until the first serious contract is received, the first million in the account, the expansion of the company.

You can talk about the syndrome if a person is constantly in anticipation of something. It can be any event, for example, a wedding or a car purchase. Sometimes, in order to fully live, there is not enough of a mere trifle. Everything should change after losing extra pounds, changing your wardrobe, moving.

Psychologists consider hoarding to be one of the types of the syndrome. Saving money "for a rainy day", buying things for a special occasion is a "disease" that has taken hold of many. Remember the Soviet times and the inviolable sets "Madonna" and crystal behind the glass sideboards. No one used all this, waiting for a "special occasion". At the same time, even important events in life were often assessed as not serious enough. As a result, things never came in handy.

A person with the syndrome is rarely happy about something. Even after reaching the goal, o immediately devalues it. "I lost 2 kg, but I could have 5", "I was promoted at work, but I'm not a director yet" — it's simply impossible to list all the options. Simply put, the present never pleases, because it is not as beautiful as it could be.

And people with this approach to life love to compare themselves with others. They notice that there are a lot of people around who live better than them. These lucky people have more expensive cars, more living space, smarter children, a more beautiful view from the window. Such individuals are prone to constant doubts. They arise when choosing a partner, a job, a hobby, and in general a life path in general.

Despite the fact that the syndrome is most pronounced in residents of the periphery or extreme areas, geoclimatic factors have little effect on its formation. In the end, as the philosopher and motivator Jim Ron said: "If you are dissatisfied with the place you occupy, change it. You're not a tree!". Family attitudes and socio-cultural factors play a much greater role.

Since a person is a social being, relationships with other people are very important to him. And first of all we are talking about family. It is in it that such a phenomenon as the delayed life syndrome most often originates. Although each of us is free to choose his own path in life, it is difficult to overestimate the importance of family. It gives a person a sense of security, confidence in the future, comfort.

But family ties carry with them not only support, but also a number of restrictions. We don't always consciously agree to them. Often this happens completely unnoticed by us. French psychologist Anne Anceline Schutzenberger called it "invisible loyalty to the family." These are the principles of the relationship in marriage that have not been voiced by anyone, laid down by many generations. Family attitudes passed down "by inheritance" and prescribing to live this way and not otherwise. Because of this, many people live someone else's life, left "as a legacy" by their ancestors.

The foundation of the syndrome is laid in childhood. Haven't you ever heard the installation: "When you graduate from school (institute), you will begin to provide for yourself and then ...". Parents inspire the child that he will be able to live a full life sometime later, when certain conditions are met. What if it never happens?

There is still some benefit from such instruction. They discipline, teach purposefulness, help to choose a profession. But there is one "but" — it is never indicated where the limit of all these efforts is. When the endless series of "that's when" ends and the long-awaited bell rings in life. Therefore, people receive one education after another, climb up the career ladder, have been looking for decades for "their man" for marriage.

It is not surprising at all that a person earns neurosis as a result of the race for something better and important. To avoid this, we need to get rid of the syndrome and no one will help us better than ourselves. First of all, you need to come to terms with the fact that there are needs and desires that cannot be satisfied, at least at the current stage of life.

Then you should "call life" and understand whether the problems will disappear, even if the conditions are met. Or maybe they are not connected at all, and the rise to the next bar will bring disappointment? To begin to solve pressing problems, many need someone's approval. This is embedded in us since childhood. Therefore, psychotherapists, working with such patients, certainly restore the context of the past.

After deciphering family myths and attitudes, it is much easier for a person to get rid of them. It is easier to remove the shackles if you know their origin. The good news is that psychologists are successfully fighting the delayed life syndrome and the chance of "recovery" is very high. Of course, first of all it is important that the patient himself wants it. A person who was brought to a specialist by the hand is unlikely to be able to break himself.

While working on yourself, it is important to make a list of unrealized plans. After that, you can start achieving the goal. Choose one for yourself, the least difficult. Proceed immediately and act. You need to understand that all the time before you did nothing, but only set goals and avoided solving them.

Open cupboards and dressers. Finally, take out the things you bought for "special occasions". Convince yourself that such a case has finally come, and you have started a new, bright life. Sort out your wardrobe and just personal items annually. If something has not been useful to you for a year, get rid of it without a doubt!

Do not wait for a vacation, but act if you feel tired. It is clear that you will not be released from work, but there are weekends! Organize your leisure time in a new way. For example, get into the habit of walking in the park or going to the cinema a couple of times a month. It also helps to relax and get a boost of strength.

If something does not work out and it seems to you, as before, that you owe something, do not hesitate to contact a psychologist. A specialist will help you understand the reasons for the failure and together with you will determine the right goals. And this is a direct road to success!