Carlos Kaiser is the greatest footballer who never played football

Brazil has given the world many wonderful football players. Athletes such as Garrincha, Pele and Ronaldo are forever included in the hall of fame of world football. But there is another, less well-known, but also very interesting “star” in this country. Carlos Kaiser is a football player who has never taken part in a single game in his professional career.

Carlos Kaiser's sports career lasted from 1979 to 1992. Fans were sure that he was a superstar and cried with happiness when they got a photo with him or an autograph. But in fact, the “great footballer” did not play a single football match. He only went on the field during training and then he always tried to avoid it. This is not surprising, because Carlos began to sweat and choke after just a couple of minutes of the game.

During his life, Kaiser changed 13 football teams. Having figured out the slacker and cunning man, the club leaders tried to get rid of him as quickly as possible. But at the same time, Carlos behaved like a legend of Brazilian football, and not only fans, but also some coaches believed in this.

Among his colleagues, he said that he played in two Argentine football teams and was friends with the 1986 world champion Jorge Luis Burruchaga. Kaiser also inspiredly lied about being a key player in the final matches of the Intercontinental Cup and Copa Libertadores in 1984.

Carlos worked excellently with the language, but when it came to the game, something always bothered him. Most often, he faked a football injury. There is a known case where a malingerer had to pay another player to kick him in the leg during training. But Kaiser managed to save face, even if the team’s owners were present at the training. He recruited fans who continuously chanted his name.

When the situation was completely hopeless, and he could have been sent to play, Kaiser lied that his grandmother had tragically died. He also had a dentist friend who regularly gave him certificates about various oral infections. The footballer liked to repeat the phrase: “Life is marketing.” We can say that this was his life credo. The slacker paid journalists for news with his name and enthusiastic articles.

One day, a Brazilian newspaper reported that Kaiser was so good that when he played for the Mexican club Puebla, he was offered citizenship of that country and a place in the national team. To maintain his image, Carlos carried a toy mobile phone with him everywhere. Using it, he negotiated in “English” with the owners of foreign clubs. A real mobile phone at that time was an expensive pleasure and a rogue could not afford such a luxury.

One day he was exposed. There was a sports doctor nearby who knew English. He was very amused by the “negotiations”, during which Kaiser allegedly rejected another brilliant offer to change the club. We must give Carlos credit, he knew how to behave. Footballer Bebeto, 1994 World Cup champion, recalled:

When Kaiser was miserably kicked out of another club, he moved to another. At the same time, he played the same trick. The footballer lied about an old knee injury and then hung out in the club’s corridors and in the stands for months. He watched the game, chatted with players and fans, and talked with reporters.

Carlos had natural charm and knew how to win over people. He ingratiated himself with his teammates, made them dream, and predicted world fame for them. Therefore, at first the Kaiser was simply adored. When everyone’s favorite still had to go out onto the field during training, the athlete was openly slacking. He was a center forward, but he was never seen at the opponent's goal. Kaiser generally tried to stay as far away from the ball as possible.

But even if the football player was eager to play, it would not be easy to do so. He was always in terrible shape and looked tired, having not yet finished changing into his uniform. Carlos Kaiser loved to eat heartily and was a regular at restaurants. Someone once calculated that an under-athlete himself ate 70 slices of pizza in one evening!

There are many anecdotal situations associated with Kaiser’s football career. The most famous occurred in 1988. Then Carlos came to the new club “Bangu”, the fifth in a row. During one of the matches, which the swindler, as always, skipped, the owner of the club, Castor de Andrade, remembered him. He demanded that the new player be brought onto the field immediately to evaluate him.

The “star” football player has never been so close to failure. He had two options, both of which did not bode well. Carlos could have entered the field and been immediately kicked out. He could have come up with another story and refused. In this case, the same fate would have awaited him. But the resourceful Kaiser was not at a loss and a brilliant idea was born in his head. He walked onto the lawn, but immediately rushed to the stands and got into a fight with fans of the opposing team. Of course, he was immediately taken out of the game. He later indignantly told his new employer that someone had called him a “long-haired fagot.” The reputation was saved.

The end of Carlos Kaiser's football career was natural. He visited all possible clubs and they simply didn’t want to take him anywhere. In 1992, at the age of 29, he disappeared from view and was forgotten. But, obviously, outside of sports, the former football player’s affairs were far from brilliant. How else to explain the fact that in 2015 Kaiser signed a contract with one of the British film studios.

He told his story and a film was made from it. A film about a fake football player “Kaiser! The Greatest Footballer Who Never Played Football" was shown at the Tribeca festival in the spring of 2018 in New York. In the same year, a book of the same name by journalist Rob Smith was published, from which Kaiser also made good money.

Carlos Kaiser is now in his seventh decade. It is not known exactly where he is and what he does. His last place of work was a fitness club in Rio de Janeiro, where the former “hero of Brazilian football” acted as... an instructor.