How to set personal boundaries as a couplePictolic
How do you know if your personal boundaries are really being violated? How to distinguish selfishness from setting boundaries?
During the quarantine period, many couples are faced with the fact that they are "stuffy" in a relationship, it is impossible to be together 24 hours a day, and everything starts to annoy them.
This is evidence that the partners (one or both) do not have personal boundaries.
What are the signs of a lack of personal boundaries?
1. A partner devalues your opinion, your views and interests, the only correct opinion is his opinion.
2. The partner doubts your adequacy, neglects your feelings, denies any of his own shortcomings or wrong actions: “It didn’t happen, it seemed to you, you exaggerate, you invented everything for yourself.”
3. They constantly impose their opinion and their rightness on you: "Do as I say, I know how best." In this case, your opinion and experience are not taken into account. But if something goes wrong, they blame you again.
4. A partner often "jokes" on topics that are important to you, devaluing the subject of the joke and your feelings.
5. Your things are taken without asking, disposed of at their discretion. The partner checks your phone, mailbox, social networks.
6. You are being manipulated: they make scandals because of jealousy, they blame you for all your misfortunes, they put pressure on feelings of guilt and shame.
7. The partner controls all your social connections: decides with whom you can communicate, when and how, and with whom you cannot. Even if we are talking about next of kin.
8. Your needs are ignored as unimportant.
9. You completely dissolve into each other, losing yourself as an individual person with your own interests, separate opinions, etc.
These are all signs of disrespect and an unhealthy relationship. For harmonious relationships in a couple, personal boundaries must be built for both partners and must be mutually respected.
How to act to set personal boundaries?
1. Don't let guilt and shame get the better of you. Always remember that this is just an object of manipulation, this has nothing to do with your real temperament or actions.
2. Stand up for boundaries calmly. Do not conflict and do not prove your right to personal space, opinions and interests with the help of quarrels.
3. Talk about your feelings. Your partner may not understand what hurts you with their words and actions.
Therefore, you need to calmly, but directly say: “I don’t like it when you joke about this topic. It is very sensitive for me, jokes upset me”, “I need to be alone now, your presence bothers me”, “Do not take my things without demand, don't tidy up my drawer."
4. Allow yourself to be on your side. How often do you feel embarrassed to say "no" just so you don't offend anyone? But in this case, you allow them to offend you.
Start small: discard immediate joint plans that you don’t really like. Ideally, you need to find a compromise solution - then it will really be a delineation of boundaries, and not just selfishness.
5. Consider if you are a victim of abuse. It can be both physical and economic (money as a way of manipulation) or emotional.
If you are constantly controlled, plagued by scandals, raise your hand, force you to do something, keep you in fear, and at the same time blame you for everything, then this is no longer a violation of boundaries, but real violence.
It can also be passive: for example, a partner constantly plays the role of a victim, puts pressure on your conscience. But the main thing is that such people do not change, so you need to take care of your physical and moral well-being and ask for help.