What to do about domestic violence

From the outside, it can be hard to understand how women get into such situations and why they cannot get out of them.

Hundreds of thousands of women suffer from domestic violence around the world. During the quarantine, the problem became especially acute - in Europe, the number of cases of domestic violence increased by 30% already in the first weeks of the lockdown.
Domestic violence is also darkly associated with generally wrong stereotypes about relationships and love. Here are 5 top questions and answers about domestic violence.

5 PHOTOS

1. Why do women tolerate it?

There are several options. First, violence usually starts small - petty mockery, reproaches, and step by step comes to deep humiliation and/or beatings. And while the process is developing, the woman gets used to it and does not notice the depth of the problem.

She compares not with what was in other families or what happened at the beginning of the relationship, but with what happened yesterday. And if you think like that, then the difference is usually small, although from the outside it is obvious that a woman is being bullied.

Secondly, from the behavior of the abuser, the victim can fall into a certain trance. If no one has ever behaved like this with her - and now a man does such things, she simply does not know how to react.

This is similar to how the gift of speech disappears if you get rude out of the blue. Then the man apologizes - the woman brushes off her shock, they say, "it seemed", and he claims that he did not want anything like that. And after a while, everything repeats again.

Thirdly, we are taught from childhood to obey: to obey our husbands, those who are older, stronger, smarter, and who have more power. And when a man begins to control a woman's life, to tell her what to do, what to think, what to say, how to behave - this is very reminiscent of the process of child education.

And this child wakes up in a woman who really believes that he must obey, obey, that he is to blame for anything, that they have the right to treat him like that.
Fourthly, a woman can be overwhelmed with very strong feelings for a man, which make her endure any of his behavior, as long as he is there. This is not normal, it needs to be worked out with a psychotherapist, to normalize self-esteem, but this is a reality, some women really continue to love those who spread rot.

Fifthly, if a woman has never been independent financially and morally, depending either on her parents or on her husband, then she has no idea where to go and how to live if she leaves the abuser. And even more so if she has children. She does not see and does not imagine options for how to find a roof over their heads, what to feed them, what to do if their husband finds someone to contact, etc.

2. What to do if you are tired of enduring?

To resist physical violence, you need to be in good physical shape. Of course, not an option to arrange home fights. But to fight back in the event of an attack, in order to be able to escape or moderate the ardor of the attacker, is very important.

It is very useful for every woman, even if she is in a normal relationship, to take self-defense courses, to engage in martial arts in order to stand up for herself in case of any attack.

If a man is so controlling that there can be no talk of courses, you need to run. Unfortunately, the legislation does not provide that it is the rapist who is kicked out of the house.

So you need to borrow money from loved ones, rent a safe apartment, run away with things for the first time - and then apply for legal help. All major cities have centers to help women in difficult situations. Their phones can be found on the Internet, often redirected to them by the police or social services.
It is important to contact an ambulance and remove the beatings, if any, and write a statement to the police. Again, the legislation gives practically no punishment to men in such a situation. Therefore, you will need a good lawyer for divorce and property division.

3. Why is it difficult to recognize domestic violence in one's own family?

There is a stereotype in society that love is always suffering, drama, scandals, and other passions. This myth is actively supported by series, movies, songs, and other cultural products. Actually, it has nothing to do with love.

Beating plates or each other, violently scandalizing, and violently reconciling (especially if only one side is so active) is not a sign of a good and healthy relationship. Love is trust, security, care, cooperation, respect, and not grabbing hands, insults, or throwing against the wall.

4. Why do women "pull" rapists to them?

It happens that a woman ends one abusive relationship, and meets a new man - but he also does not offend and beats, and meets a third - the situation repeats itself again. Then they say that a woman herself attracts such men to herself.

This is in some way shifting responsibility for the violence committed onto her: that is, it is not men who are to blame for being beaten and humiliated, but it is she who only enters into such relationships.

And already everything looks as if the woman is a masochist and is specifically looking for someone who will beat her. In fact, everything is not so.

A woman is looking for love, not beatings, but due to low self-esteem, she is attracted to powerful men who decide everything for her, perform a kind of father role, and take control of her life. However, such men in the end "exceed their authority."

And a woman in her role as an obedient "child" becomes addicted and cannot part with such a man.

5. How can you help yourself or other victims of violence?

The victim must understand that she is a victim. Often this happens only when the beatings are so frequent and severe that the threat to life becomes obvious. And even more so if such violence is also committed against children. Then women gradually "see the light".

It is important to remember that if your husband hit you at least once, you are already a victim of violence, and he is already a rapist. And if you continue to live as if nothing had happened, then the situation will only worsen and may cost you your life.

The rapist will always say that you yourself are to blame, that you forced him, that it seemed to you that you invented everything. This is a lie that cannot be listened to, as well as supposedly his remorse and apology. And if a man raised his hand against you and the children, you need to run as soon as possible, with a minimum of things, to any safe place.

It is always better to find out in advance the addresses of shelters and help centers in your city. It is better that this information is never useful to you, but if anything, it should be at hand.
Have financial reserves. If a woman does not work and is completely dependent on her husband, she must have an "airbag" - an untouchable and constantly replenished amount that can be used if a break in relations occurs.

Don't stay with an abusive man "for the sake of the kids." Children see all this, know it, feel it, and experience it very hard, and they themselves become victims of moral and physical violence. This should not be allowed under any circumstances.

Don't be afraid to be judged by others. You are not to blame for anything. You need to be afraid of beatings, you need to leave humiliation. And someone else's opinion will always find right and wrong at its discretion. They are not beaten, they are not humiliated and insulted - so do not pay attention to what they say from the outside.

If you want to help a victim of violence, then this can be financial assistance, provision of temporary housing, and professional help from a psychotherapist and a lawyer.